All names used just for fun, and Jim, we love you, but you do fall in the NE quadrant of crazy.
(Vintage Cantori YouTube)
That’s a hurricane joke, folks, deal with it, as this thing isn’t likely to improve.
From: Mike Pickwick
April 1, 2023
The Weather Channel
Bulletin: WCPEPS Announcement
Our focus groups have indicated that traditional network coverage has failed to provide the intimate, personal, weather specific informational immersion that consumers have long demanded, and today, we will be proudly announcing a tiered offering of solutions to that problem.
The importance of naming dangerous weather events to increase public awareness and safety has long been recognized in the U.S. Beginning in 1950, the United States Weather Bureau (now the National Weather Service) named Tropical Storms using the Joint Army/Navy Phonetic Alphabet (Able, Baker, Charlie, etc.). The most powerful storm in that year was Hurricane “Dog”, which extensively damaged the Leeward Islands. We here at the Weather Channel began naming winter storms based on their Disruption Index in November of 2011. This expansion of the storm naming program was a ratings bonanza welcomed by our viewers as a major advance in Public Safety Awareness.
The public applauded the unveiling of TWC’s “Severe Drizzle” Named Event Index in 2018—who can forget the unbearably moist Severe Drizzle Event dubbed “Clara Bernhardt”. This was followed by 2021’s award winning “Patchy Fog” Citizen Alert Program. Few who were trapped by the infamous Patchy Fog “Leghorn” at milepost 27 on I-81 near the Virginia-Tennessee border are likely to forget their relief upon hearing our exclusive Bluetooth “Just in Time” Pinpoint Warning System Alert that day). It is with great pride that the Weather Channel is announcing an expansion of its weather event naming program to include ever more personally significant events.
Beginning today, Air Movement Events (see chart below) will be named using TWC’s new Weather Channel Personal Event Prediction System (WCPEPS). This comprehensive App, (available for only a minimal $9.95 monthly subscription fee) will provide vital new functionality, and roll up all prior weather event warning, alert, and forecast services into one comprehensive tool, exclusively for Weather Channel subscribers (we’ve got to make up for that 2019 Direct TV nightmare somehow).
WCPEPS Air Movement Event Categories
TYPE MEASURABILITY CHRACTERISTICS
- Puffs Intermittent fpm
- Wafts Semi-Intermittent fpm
- Zephyrs Oddly whimsical fpm
- Stiff Breezes Please request preference for measurement in fpm or mph
- Micro Bursts Information Classified
But the most exciting offering of any weather service in history comes in the Second Tier of our offering, exclusively available at The Weather Channel.
Announcing CantoriVision, named to honor our daring former associate Jim Cantori, who was lost (along with five staffers) during a Weather Channel exclusive tornado chaser event. Although nothing was recovered at the site of the tragedy after a horrified nation watched (without commercial interruption) as the SUV carrying Jim and his entire crew was swept up into 2019’s “Chubby Checker” F-5 over NE Kansas, a fascinating post script to this story is that for several weeks, faint strains of the Weather Channel’s exclusive On Location Severe Storm Theme Music (OLSSTM) was heard at exactly 3:37 PM each day on TVs and radios in the area.
Quite simply, Cantori-Vision is the greatest advance in the history of global climatic prediction and reporting.
Cantori-Vision (CaVi), developed by the Weather Channel in collaboration with the biggest players in today’s mobile device hardware and software marketplace, joins the growing list of Super-Apps made possible by the unprecedented speed, stability, and bandwidth of 21G LTE WE technology (21st Generation Long Term Evolution – Warp Enabled). Thanks to the Weather Channel’s unique application of the latest in holographic technologies, you will no longer be watching your favorite meteorologist on a flat screen—he or she can be right there in your living room with you!
Our development teams have also expressed a high level of confidence that the core capabilities behind this Weather Channel exclusive application will become a major revenue driver for the WTC family of companies. Mission specific applications are now in various stages of development, in collaboration with a select group of partners serving both the private and public sectors. One yet to be named project, described by industry insiders as “game changing”, is believed to be a revolutionary new data mining tool for sales professionals, delivering vital, up to the second customer data, using the power of NPC technology. Network Penetration Connectivity, previously available only to the NSA, has been made available for certain FCC approved projects.
As part of this development effort, TWC has partnered with Google’s Mobile Holography Projects Team, reviving their former flagship product, HoloNow. Some of you may remember Google’s earlier version of this technology, Holo-Vision for Chrome, that amazing technology which made it possible for users to experience holographic viewing of their Gmail, Twitters, Instagram, and Skype. (As has been all too well documented, the next step, to personal holographic gaming, was halted by the filing of thousands of personal injury lawsuits during beta testing of holographic gaming.) The Supreme Court verdict in Stefan V. Arkham Asylum, after being tied up in the courts for years, has finally freed up the industry to once again take gaming to the next level.
With CaVi Pro (available Fall 2023 for an additional 49.95 monthly fee) the choice of user selectable personalities is unlimited. Users can choose which meteorologist delivers your forecast for each type of reportable weather event. Do you want Al Roker to talk tornado? No problem. Do you want your local flood alerts to come from George Elliot? Done. Do you want to curl up with Stephanie Abrams for your snow storm reportage. Oh yeah. Do you favor Sam Champion on a sunny day? We understand. Do you long for the days of Cantori on hurricane coverage? Thanks to the awesome power of Cavi Pro, and a bit of Pixar magic, Jim is back from the dead and back on the beat—the legend returns. With our personalized holographic meteorologist, your customized weather report is delivered on your terms.
CaVi’s Pro’s parental rating function will even allow our subscribers to create their own “meteorologists”, ranging far beyond the list of traditional Weather Channel celebrities. Whether it’s your children’s favorite cartoon characters, or your favorite adult film star, CaVi Pro can make them come to life in all their holographic glory.*
* User selectable personalities with ratings of NC-17 or above are restricted to use in CaVi’s privacy mode.
At the beginning of this announcement, we promised to make available to you, the Weather Channel viewer, the most cutting edge technology available at the consumer level, and here it is: Drumroll, please.
Named after the Greek god of the Ocean, Poseiden, “HAARPOON” (High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program Orchestrated Onsite Nano-events.), this technology truly does give you the power of a god. But you don’t need to worry yourself with all that fancy terminology. It boils down to this: You control your weather. Have you dreamed of controlling the rain and thunder, of changing the weather from blinding snowstorm to light flurries, or creating sunshine on demand? Then you need to take the plunge and purchase the new, cutting edge, POSEIDEN’S HAARPOON!
This kit includes our most expansive software package ever, a radio transmitter, a fluxgate magnetometer, an induction magnetometer, a digisonde, a fleet of small drones, and--wait for it--a NASA grade 3D printer. These are all available in a variety of packages, and thanks to a licensing agreement with powerhouses such as Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, and Marvel Comics, HAARPOON is even available in themed packages such Dora the Explorer, Elsa the Snow Queen, Spiderman, and the ever popular “Minions”, should you want to give this package as a special gift to your child, so that she or he can learn to control the weather.
Weather Channel fans, the opportunity is here, and you don’t want to be left out of the excitement!
So whether it’s making sure you have the perfect weather for your little princess’s backyard birthday, or making it rain on that pesky neighbor’s annual barbecue bash, to which you are pointedly never invited …TODAY, for just a nominal price of $999.95 a month, YOU can finally be a meteorologist with the powers of a mighty wizard! Make that call now. Payment plans are available. Control your own weather in your own personal domain!
Because if you don’t, we will.
The Weather Channel Inc. assumes no liability for injuries or damages resulting from the use of WCPEPS, CAVI, or HAARPOON. Subscribers are strongly advised to maintain situational awareness. HAARPOON’s proprietary weather modification technology may create dangerously elevated internal temperatures in small animals. (Birds, Hamsters, Affenpinschers, etcetera.) Indoor use of HAARPOON is not recommended. User is responsible for safe use of WCPEPS, CAVI, or HARPOON in full screen mode while operating a motor vehicle, or moving equipment, or walking outdoors, or indoors. Hell, never use this thing unless sitting or lying down.